| UNSOLICITED ADVICE COLUMNS by Carol R. Doss, Ph.D. Accidental Sex
"It just happened," you say to a friend. "We were kissing…and one thing led to another." You can say it with excitement or with a grimace. Whether you regret the sex, see it as part of the blossoming of a new relationship or view the experience as just another date, physical intimacy has become another area in which we don't take control. The fact of the matter is that consensual sex is a choice. At some point in the interlude, someone unzipped someone's pants, lifted a skirt or tugged down a thong. It didn't just happen. Oops, my vagina fell onto your penis! Sex is a decision and one we're very unclear about. In today's world of AIDS, herpes and elusive, emotional intimacy, sexual contact has never been more carelessly engaged in. Yet, few people are taking ownership of their sexual experience. Ironically, "responsible sex" is simply a phrase that means using a condom. Hooking-up is now in our vocabulary along with making a booty call, but a surprising few claim to just want random sex. Most people say they're seeking a relationship with more enduring qualities, but they're still having sex on the slightest of acquaintances. You meet, you talk and flirt…you go back to someone's place. It's as casual as going to dinner or taking a walk, only a lot more naked. People are thinking and talking about sex--random strangers, random internet sites--but as individuals we feel more isolated than ever before. Everyone's doing it and everyone seems to feel bewildered by the struggle to "find someone." The most exciting, fulfilling sex is an act of physical intimacy that is an extension of emotional intimacy. You can't get to it in an hour of superficial conversation. Sex can be a ton of fun, all there at your fingertips, so to speak. No calories and no cost, if you do it right. But don't forget the emotional aspects of the physical gymnastics. You may not feel like it, but you are in control of your sexual and emotional experience. Maybe it would pay to put a little thought into what, and who, you're doing.
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