| UNSOLICITED ADVICE COLUMN by Carol R. Doss, Ph.D. Can't Be Alone? Have you ever dated someone you really weren't that into? Ever found yourself hanging out with a member of the opposite sex and stumbling into intimacy…just because he was there? Does going out with a bunch of "coupled" friends make you uncomfortable unless you have a date? Do you sometimes avoid going home because there's no one else there? Maybe you've continued dating a "filler" because there was no one else around who really interested you…and you didn't want to be alone. The fear of being alone causes individuals to rush out after a break-up and immediately start seeing someone else. Pretty much anyone else. It's like a romantic relay race or a game of musical beds. Hardly able to bear a week between relationships, people start looking around immediately and quickly latch onto someone else. The new dating cycle usually starts by "going out" the weekend after the old relationship ends. Let's be honest, it's not just that you suddenly want to dance or that you just want a drink. You're trolling for the next person to add to your dating resume. There are various reasons for the growing phenomenon of endless, serial dating relationships. The "can't be alone" conviction may be a way to handle rejection. Your old girlfriend has just kicked you to the curb. "I'll show her!" you determine. "Somebody wants me, even if she doesn't." Please note, in this particular scenario, you always make sure the previous lover knows about the current date. Either you call her to get your video games back or you "run into" her at a favorite restaurant. Sometimes, using no pretense at all, you just call to let your previous lover know you've moved on. Or the rush to hook up with someone else can simply a way to fill up the empty space left by the departed lover. It hurts to lose love. Even if the relationship had problems, you can feel lost, cast bare-naked into the world. Alone. If you have a good feel for your "type," you might end up dating very similar people with different faces. Then you can continue the same problematic behaviors in the new relationship. Nothing really changes, but the name next to yours on the lease. Successful relationships involve personal challenges for all of us. Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result has been called a definition of insanity. Then, again…relationships sometimes feel pretty insane. Maybe you just hate eating alone. It can feel weird to request a table for one at a restaurant or go to a movie by yourself. But are these awkward situations so terrible that we engage in pretend relationships? A large number of people get in relationships that they privately view as "temporary." They're just waiting until someone really good come along and then they'll jump from one life boat to the other. When did the single, unattached state become a disease? We tend to view others who are dateless as losers and who wants to be a loser? Being in relationships is crazy complicated. Why add to that by letting your desperation be the primary motivation? Be alone. It's okay. Even if people look at you funny, try to give you dating advice or wonder aloud why you can't find a mate, being single can still be better than being with someone you don't really want to end up with.
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