| UNSOLICITED ADVICE
COLUMNS
by Carol R. Doss, Ph.D.
Relationship In Trouble?
Don't Wait Too Late
Most couples who seek relationship counseling do so one small step ahead of calling a lawyer. You hope it'll just blow over. You've always gotten over conflicts in the past…the same ones you're arguing about now, probably. It's natural to feel a little weird telling a total stranger about the trouble in your relationship. Paying a professional to listen and help is strange, but the sad fact is that relationships are challenging. The hardest, most difficult things we humans attempt on this earth are raising children and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Yet, we have a tendency to expect both to come as naturally as breathing.
When a relationship is in trouble, we wait to see if things will get better on their own. Maybe one or the other of you were just in a bad mood. You fight, you sulk, you go on with daily living. No resolution.
The problem with this approach is that leaving trouble unsolved almost always leads to bigger problems down the line. Truthfully, we don't fall out of love; we kill it little by little. Like water dripping on stone, we wear away the bedrock of love slowly. One unresolved conflict after another; one reoccurring argument after another. Giving in just to avoid a fight builds resentment
.
Before you know it, you're really tired. You may find yourself preferring to spend time with others than with your mate. Love erodes if we don't find functional resolution in relationships. It isn't so much a matter of making sure each partner "wins" the same number of times. Winning is primarily in coming to understand the other's point of view and in coming to terms with the emotions we're experiencing.
Conflict in relationships is inevitable and even functional. Resolving disagreements in a manner where both partners feel listened to and understood leads to tremendous relationship strength.
Learning to get to this point, however, takes character and resolve. It takes a lot of energy to learn how to confront and deal with relationship conflict. To make this challenging reality worthwhile, we need to still find value together. Waiting till all the affection and love is drained out of the relationship frequently means we don't have the motivation to confront the bad spots.
Couples need to learn early how to fight, how to listen and resolve even the largest conflicts. Waiting until we're worn down with the disharmony can mean that even professional help is pointless. When there's no love left, there's less reason to wade into the battle.
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Title credit: Jaye Wells
ADDRESS:
2401 Oakland Boulevard, Suite 100
Fort Worth, Texas 76103
PHONE: (817) 534-2818
EMAIL: info@family-counseling.org
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